it's her world after all...

I waited at the caffee. Just me, three empty chairs and cigarettes next to the beer on the table. She was late, as always, but I didn't mind. I kinda liked those times when I waited for her, never knowing in which moment she would appear. After being 20 minutes late, she casually walked in acompanied by two, incerdibly tall, long-haired hippies.


I knew right away that she didn't know them. And I wasn't surprised at all. She did that all the time. Picking up strangers on the street and bringing them to our meetings, as if she wanted to disturb our intimate moments, on purpose. I never talked to her about that, just took it as a part of her which can not be changed. For her part, she has never been quite enthusiastic about discusing it with me either. We lived in harmony despite that. She, her weird habit and me.



She showed them to two empty seats at our table, while she sat on third. I kissed her on the cheek and shook hands with hippies. After ordering them and herself a beer she started talking to them, as if I wasn't there. Once in a while she would say a word to me, and while doing that she would stare at me with her sorry-you-don't-have-anyone-to-talk-to look. If you could see us, I'm sure you'd think that I was invisible to the world. This wasn't far from truth. I ordered myself another beer and looked around me.



She chose this place. She called me on the phone and said something like 'Come to this-and-this place at 4. I want to see you,' to which I responded that I'll be there. And she saw me all right. She never said a word about wanting to talk to me, so I shouldn't have held my expectations so high. I learned my lesson. Let your hopes rise a bit and you'll end up sitting with two oversized hippies who will be staring at your girlfriend as if you weren't there. Anyway, the place was kinda cute. It was quite silent, with red walls and very comfortable chairs. A few photographs on the wall, black-and-white. Some classical music which I never heard of, silently coming out of the speakers. Although it sounds pretty fancy, the place was crowded with people who did not look fancy at all. It seemed strange, unnatural. Place looked invaded. But nobody seemed to notice it, but me. Nothing new.



I ordered another beer and glanced around. A girl was sitting at the corner with a couple of friends, and she was laughing. When was the last time I laughed? I smiled lately, for sure, though I can't remember when. But I haven't laughed in ages. I wondered why that is. I didn't seem to know the answer. I'm not really a joke lover, and I don't spend much time with other people. Perhaps this was the answer I was looking for. No need to worry about that anyway. You can't die of not-laughing, right? I will laugh when I'll feel like it.



I looked at my girlfriend. She was retelling those hippies some anecdote that happened to her in Uganda or Paraguay or wherever, and they were all ears. She was very beautiful. Her mouth seemed unopened but the words were coming out so clearly. Her eyes were fixed on hippies, only looking the other way when taking a sip of beer. Her hand resting on the tables, her fingers playing with unlit cigarette. Where did I found her? Or was she the one who has found me? And if so, what does she sees in me? I'm no more than a useless drunk with terribly fragile ideals. I suck at making decisions. I cheat, I lie, and I steal. She on the other hand is beautiful and smart. Ambitious, in a way. She has seen the world. Knows how to talk to people. And she laughs all the time. When we're alone, in bed, I like to think of us as complementary. But when we're with people, I look at myself and I seem to be just a burden she drags along with her, not knowing the real reason for doing that. I sighed. But nobody noticed.



She was deep in conversation with the hippies. To me they looked stupid. But what the hell, it's her world, after all. Over months we've been together I taught myself how to sit next to her without craving for her touch. I replaced that need with humble wish for her presence. It took me time to learn to control myself in that way, but I managed. It's easier for me now. Someday, when we won't be together anymore, this talent will be my light in the darkness. When she leaves me, I will be satisfied just by seeing her from time to time. And she will leave me, eventually.